Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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