Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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