He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
These tits shall not be calmed
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
