I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
