I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
