Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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