my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
