i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
