Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
