You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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