I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
false alarm, still single
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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