Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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