Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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