that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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