false alarm. still invincible.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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