Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
