So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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