When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
