listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
