Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
