his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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