Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
