my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
