some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize