Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
