No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
