She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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