I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
