Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
