Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
