Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
