my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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