Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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