she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
