Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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