when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
