I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
