Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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