I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
