Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
