He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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