I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
