im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
