Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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