note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
