good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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