I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
