Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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