I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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