My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Houston, we have a squirter
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
