Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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