I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
