I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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