dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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