too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
