You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
