Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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