I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
