The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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