The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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