I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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