I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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