He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
