"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
