i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
