You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
