can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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