My underwear smells like fireworks.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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