My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
