I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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