my shit smells like andre
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
