If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
